Posts tagged I'm sorry.

Jaded

      When the sole human being you relied on for comfort and support leaves, it’s all you can do to pick up the shattered pieces they’ve left behind. When you were already jaded with bitter memories of past exes, and the only person you’ve learned to trust after years of pain betrays you once again, how can you not spiral into a pit of self-hatred and depression? It’s difficult to prevent the distrust that stemmed from a single individual from blanketing over the whole population of the opposite gender, because who can you really trust in a world that can be so cruel and hateful? And if you ever decide to give pieces of yourself to another again, all you can be reminded of are the times where you gave your all to those who never gave anything in return. And so you hide yourself in your cocoon of false self-reliance and shield yourself from this destructive world, afraid to see anything beyond your past unfortunate experiences.

       I’m unhappy because I’ve been holding onto such a pessimistic point of view lately. I’m insecure because I keep comparing myself to beautiful girls, intelligent girls, flawless girls—but luckily, this does not translate into bitterness or hatred for others. I’m stupid because I procrastinate and I have no faith that I can do well, and when I do try, I seem to fall flat on my face half the time. I’m a failure because I took little rejections here and there to heart too much. I’m angry because I absolutely detest myself and every single fucking aspect that composes who I am and what I have done. I’m regretful because I can’t forgive myself for my past and let go of my mistakes. I’m sad because I rely on other people far too much, and I cannot find happiness without them. I’m lonely because I miss people who I shouldn’t give a shit for, because they’ve simply never given a shit about me. I’m reminiscent because I’m in love with the past and I cannot see the future. I’m materialistic because I put too much importance into numbers and facts and figures, and I’m just so.. jealous. I’m insane and a little crazy because I overanalyze every detail about this world and each word that escapes others’ lips, and I cannot stop dissecting every inch of myself and counting my flaws. I’m imperfect. I’m a little broken. I’m fixing myself, but it doesn’t seem to be working.