nil desperandum
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My existence on here is merely one of teal pixels expressing the chaos of my mind, spit forth and pieced together the best way my shaky hands have been able to. Take from it what you will.
Oh, and I'm rather lovesick.
writing // "one day" project
advice blog // my paper hearts
Anonymous asked: 'lo, milady. You are quite the zaftig, callipygian lass.
What the hell.. Are you really talking about tits and ass in some odd, piratey/medieval language? I don’t even know what to say. I get the strangest anon asks..
Anonymous asked: Feel better, Ivy.
Thank you, thank you. I already do, partly because I know a stranger out there cared for just a second to leave this message.
Whiny, angsty rant [skip past]
I feel like all I’ve led so far is a life of disappointment. I’m 18, and yet, I have no major accomplishment I can speak of. My personality is rotting away, and my writing is decaying with every month I’m absent from this site. This used to be my little haven, you know. I spun my wild imagination to the lovely strangers who took the time out to listen to my whispered words, and they saw through the pain and the stuttering flow of awkwardness and ugliness—into me. How terribly depressing is it to realize that the only people who truly know a fragment of you exists through a glass screen?
But lately, I’ve just been drowning with the disappointment, the rejection from my parents, my “friends,” opportunities, universities. I’ve lost my mother long ago, and I’ve never really had my my father. I’ve never held any faith in myself, and as a result, that has only deterred me from pursuing my ambitions. Dreams? What dreams. I never allowed myself to truly own one in fear of dashing my not-so-wild expectations.
Today, I was let down by a friend’s promise, yet again. Two days ago, my mother left for a 6-week trip without a goodbye because of a petty argument I already apologized for. These past few months, I’ve dealt with the deaths of my relatives in solitude, for my parents never seemed to care enough to utter a single word of condolence or empathy. For the past two years, I’ve been repeatedly abused by a friend who kept coming and going, breaking and mending.
I’m bitter. I’m angry. I’m a whiny teenager. I’m wondering if they will see this, then realize they probably never will. I’m wondering if I’ll regret this (no, actually, I know I will.) I’m.. I’m stopping now.
I’m a broken, broken girl. I lost a part of myself that day, and when I tried to seek it, I was led into the pitch darkness. I screamed, I cried, but there was no way out. All I felt was the permeating chill of loneliness seeping into my bleeding bones, and all around me was the black and the greyed static and—and—
I lost myself, that day. That’s all I can remember.
It’d be so much easier to just give up. End it all. Not exist.
Anonymous asked: was that about your boyfriend? :/
Of course not! :) 13 months and still going strong. All of my angsty, sad, whiny posts are about friends, and only that. Before him, I was never too romantically interested in males, and had nothing of that sort to write about. In fact, my first (and only) ever true heartbreak was about my best friend.
Before TJ, worrying about guys was my last priority. And now, he makes sure I have nothing to be upset about.
Anonymous asked: Who was that post about??
I don’t know. I don’t even remember. A stranger, I think. He’s a stranger to me now.
Because, “@#$! you.”
There are people who were never worth it, and never will be. Stop waiting around for them. Stop hoping that maybe, just maybe, they’ll “change.”
Sho sweet boo :3When I first met her, she reminded me of the stars because I considered her a celestial body. No one knew she was the brightest because she revolved around her own problems. She was tired of being the target of everyone else’s frustrations. It wasn’t until someone caught a glimpse of her that she shined again. But because only one person noticed her, she thought she wasn’t beautiful. However, I think that if I’m as lucky to have a star like her, then I’ll do what I can to make her understand that her beauty reflects from everything I can do to make her smile.
Anonymous asked: what do you love about yourself? What do you hate?
Nothing; everything
Anonymous asked: Your writing is beautiful and it touches me and moves me every single time I read it. I wish I was even 1/4 as good as you. I've followed you for quite a while, and I really wish I had the chance to get to know you, but unfortunately, our paths never cross. I admire you so much, and whenever I see you at school I always think 'I wish I could be friends with her.' You used to follow me, a looong while back, but then you unfollowed me because of reasons. Just wanted to say, you are lovely :)
You are too, too kind. Words can’t express how grateful I am. I stopped writing for so long because I felt emptied of words, and I felt like no one was listening. I mainly write to help others, and so when everyone left, a small part of me gave up. But you’ve rekindled my desire to write again, and for that, I can’t thank you enough.
But I have to say, I’m not “good” at all, and there are certainly writers whose skill far surpass mine. And please don’t feel afraid to talk to me. I’m extremely approachable and would be sad if I missed out in the chance to befriend someone as kind as you. But even if you don’t reveal yourself to me, thank you anyway.
Anonymous asked: You can tune a piano, but you can't ... ?
I can’t play it, since I quit after 7 years. I can’t sing or dance, I can’t be graceful, I can’t stand up for myself.. And that’s because I can’t love myself. I can’t do that the most.
Anonymous asked: Don't believe the mirror sweetie. You're beautiful inside and out.
The mirror tells the truth of both types of my ugliness, but thank you anyway. I truly appreciate the effort.
Anonymous asked: I think you're my new girl crush. I can't share who I am though.
I doubt I’d be worthy enough to be anyone’s crush, but I’ll just shut up and take this small honor. Thank you. :)
I really, really miss you. And I’m sorry I gave up on you, but I’m even more sorry for staying as long as I did.
